Nobody Gets to Tell You That You Have to Forgive
I want to say something controversial, something that doesn’t get said enough in faith communities: you have no obligation to forgive your abuser, and your healing does not depend on it.
Since childhood we carry the idea that God requires forgiveness. It’s woven into the fabric of Christian teaching that it frees us and that clinging to unforgiveness is like drinking poison. And there is some truth in that. But somewhere along the way, forgiveness got twisted into an obligation. Something you owe the person who hurt you, and quickly, on a timeline set by someone who wasn’t in the room when it happened. When it gets used that way — especially with survivors of abuse — it’s incredibly harmful.
Oftentimes, the pressure to forgive is there before the wound has even been named, even before anyone has been held accountable. The message is: release it, move on, and extend grace, while the person who caused the harm walks away untouched. That’s a system built to protect the wrong person. Telling a woman she must forgive her abuser before she can heal is’nt theology. It is the abuser’s best friend.
A distinction most churches don’t make clear enough is the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. They are two completely separate things. Reconciliation is the restoration of a relationship, and it requires two people, genuine change, demonstrated safety, and rebuilt trust. It is never something that can be demanded, rushed, or spiritually obligated. In situations involving ongoing abuse or a complete absence of accountability, reconciliation is not only inadvisable, it’s directly harmful, and often dangerous.
Reconciliation without accountability is not restoration. It is just returning to the same conditions that caused the harm. Not reconciling is not a spiritual failure — you are not required to restore access to someone who used that access to harm you.
More and more trauma therapists and researchers are pushing back on mandatory forgiveness, not because chronic bitterness is healthy, but because the evidence doesn’t actually support forgiveness as a prerequisite for healing. What healing requires is processing — feeling your emotions, naming the abuse, grieving the losses — slowly rebuilding safety and a sense of yourself. For some people, forgiveness eventually emerges from that work. For others, it doesn’t. Both groups heal.
Anger is not the enemy here. Anger is information. It’s your nervous system telling you that something happened that should not have happened, that you were treated in a way that was wrong, that you deserved better. Anger that gets space to exist, to be felt and honored, does its work and moves through. It’s the anger that gets spiritualized too quickly, stuffed back down under a forgiveness that was demanded rather than real, that gets stuck. That stuck anger is often what keeps women tied to the person who hurt them long after the relationship ends.
And if someone has handed you Hebrews 12:15 — 'see to it that no bitter root grows up' — as a reason to skip the anger and get to forgiveness faster, I want to offer some context. That verse is about a community allowing unresolved sin to spread and corrupt others. It was never written as a warning to an abuse survivor that her grief is spiritually dangerous. Using it that way puts the burden on the wounded person and lets the one who caused the wound off entirely, and that is not what that passage is about.
So if you’re sitting in anger right now, if you’re nowhere near ready to forgive and maybe not sure you ever will be, that doesn’t make you bitter or broken or spiritually behind. It makes you someone who was hurt, who is being honest about it, and whose healing gets to move at the pace it actually needs.
You don’t owe anyone forgiveness on their timeline. You don't owe anyone forgiveness, period. and you certainly don’t owe reconciliation to someone who hasn’t changed. Real, deep, lasting healing doesn’t require any of those things before it can begin.
Therapist Recommended Reading
You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms — Amanda Ann Gregory, LCPC
Explores the benefits of elective forgiveness and the dangers of requiring it. Emphasizes that forgiveness can be healing for some survivors, but recovery is not one-size-fits-all, and each person deserves the freedom to choose their own path forward.
How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To — Janis A. Spring
Challenges the idea that forgiveness is always required for healing. Spring explores the difference between healing and forgiveness, offering a compassionate framework for those recovering from betrayal, abuse, or deep hurt.
Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again — Lysa TerKeurst
Explores how to move toward forgiveness without minimizing harm, restoring trust prematurely, or remaining in unhealthy situations, emphasizing that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.
Not So Sorry: Abusers, False Apologies, and the Limits of Forgiveness — Kaya Oakes
Oakes examines the ways forgiveness can be misused to silence anger, protect abusers, and pressure survivors into reconciliation. Particularly valuable for those untangling the difference between forgiveness, justice, boundaries, and healing.
Untwisting Scriptures: that were used to tie you up, gag you, and tangle your mind — Rebecca Davis
Explores the biblical context of the “root of bitterness” passage and challenges its misuse to silence survivors. Helpful for those healing from spiritual abuse and untangling forgiveness from pressure to ignore harm.
Some of the links above are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission if you choose to purchase — at no additional cost to you. I only recommend books I genuinely find valuable.
If This Resonates
If you’ve been told you have to forgive in order to heal and that pressure has been making the healing harder, you deserve space to work through this with someone who won’t add to it. When you’re ready, you’re welcome to schedule a confidential consultation.
For continued reflections on faith, healing, and spiritual recovery, consider subscribing here on Substack and following along on Instagram and Facebook. For therapist-recommended books and resources on trauma recovery and healing after abuse, follow my Pinterest for curated recommendations.
With you,
Charlene, LMHC & Trauma-Informed Coach
